Funny Little Bastard
by Aleki77
Summary: A future hot summer's day for House. Hameron


_Hi! I'm an italian girl! _

_Some time ago I wrote a one shot and after a while I decided to give it a try and I translated it from Italian to English. I had some problems with the adaptament of the whole plot, because, ya know, Italian and English have completly different styles so I understand if there will be comprehension problems and I'll be here to explain if something is not clear! I hope I didn't do a big amount of grammar mistakes and I'm happy to have this little baby on here even if it's not like a real English fic, I hope you like it and good reading._

_Thank you!_

_A big thanks to my Beta: __**MISHY-MO**_ _and to all my friends of Cotton Candy Forum that they have supported me. _

Disclaimer: DOH!

**Funny Little Bastard**

_Princeton – 10th July 2010_

House tried in every possible human way, but it seemed that he was friskier than usual: he tried with the piano, General Hospital's reruns, the L-Word, the guitar, Sex Pistol's rock, the exhausting notes of the "Eroica" by Beethoven and even with a hot line, but eventually he had to use that damn old rocking chair his mother left him as inheritance some years ago.

House settled him a little better in his arms – "You make me too warm" – He looked down at the baby settled in the crook of his left arm – "Your mother won't cheat me anymore, I swear" – At that the baby wrinkled his little face with a focused expression, followed soon after by a relaxed yawn.

House jerked to his feet – "Damn you! You peed on me!" – He grasped the cane, which was resting near them, and headed swiftly towards the baby-changing table, where he placed down the baby.

He looked down at his clothes – "You're a little bastard, there is no doubt about that! My poor jeans are wet and if I think that you weigh less than 11 pounds yet…"

With an unusual ability House began to undress quickly the baby – "Luckily my t-shirt is safe" – And in saying so he looked at his pants utterly disgusted.

He took the little blue bodysuit off the baby and opened the diaper: after opening the dirty napkin the groin of the baby was free of its confines and the baby let go a fresh arching fling of clear pee, which hit House right on his chest, making him jump backwards - "Shit!" – House groaned – "You soaked my Pink Floyd t-shirt too!" - He stared horrified at the baby – "There is no trace of your mother's genies in you. They must have mistaken you in the nursery"

The baby dared House, throwing into his direction a sleepy glare: he didn't seem worried in the least about what his father was telling him.

"Damn you! Now we need both a bath, we smell awful like pee" - House said repulsed, throwing his t-shirt in a corner of the room – "What the hell did your mother give you to eat? Asparagus? What a stink!" – He removed his pants as well and tossed them as he'd done with his t-shirt – "Don't you dare to shit on me either" – House warned him.

He took the baby with his left hand, with the right one he grabbed the cane and then he went to the bathroom – "I know it's hot, but if you wanted to bathe, you could just say so"

The baby gurgled slightly amused and smug.

"Oh, yeah…You can't talk just yet…You should do it soon though, ya know? It's boring the fact that we have to understand you. Besides you shouldn't need too many words to speak: hungry, sleep, shit, pee and pain, those are the key words. Simple, isn't?" - He locked his eyes with the dark blue ones of the satisfied baby – "At least your mother wouldn't be always worried only because she doesn't understand what you want"

He opened the faucets of the shower and lowered the child seat attached to the wall – "And now don't complain about the temperature of the water: I like it fresh and most of all I won't use that girly foam bath your mother use. I hate the lavender" – He grunted slightly.

He tried to remove his boxers, but it seemed a very hard operation to do with the baby in his arms, so he wrapped quickly a towel around the child and placed him on the bath mat – "Don't tell your mother, ok? Those are secrets among men" – He said, taking off his underwear and tossing it into the dirty linen basket.

House glanced swiftly at the baby, who seemed to be perfectly enjoying his position on the floor, and then he opened a drawer of the medicine cabinet, taking into his hand one of the many orange little bottles: he opened the cap of the vial with a lonely movement of the hand and positioned on the palm of his hand a pill before tossing it literally down his throat – "Want some?" – He asked his son – "Maybe it's too soon for you, little breastfed babe you. I'll offer you one when you start drinking Scotch Whisky aged 12 years " – He said, replacing the vial in the cabinet.

Leaning forward was a painful move, but he didn't complain at all – "Shower time!" – He said after picking up the baby with firm hold.

The baby gurgled happily when House started washing him softly with his own foam bath – "I guess you're liking it, uh? Geez, that little tub your mother keeps using is so utterly impractical. We don't need that. Shower was made for men like us, not that little thing! We are not girls!" – He said, lathering the baby from head to toe and trying to do the same with his own body – "If you slide off my hands, your mother will tear my skin off with a cat o' nine tails, so don't play tricks of any kind!" – House warned while the baby moved a bit his little hands towards the gruff man, who was holding him tightly.

After washing for the last time and wrapping themselves around their own towels, House brought the baby in his room and opened a drawer, where there were lotions, creams and whatever a baby could need – "So much wasted money" – He said, applying some of the zinc oxide cream on the lower back of the baby – "Your ass isn't reddened, though if I don't apply the cream on your body, your mother will turn into a hyena: she does whatever she wants with the excuse of her crazy hormones and she doesn't listen to me at all" – He tried to remove the annoying cream of his fingers – "Besides, why do you need an oil?" – He took a transparent shaped bottle – "To have the soft skin of a baby" – He read annoyed the label of the product – "But you ARE a baby!" – He poured a good amount of the oil in his hand and then started rubbing it on the skin of the baby, who was gurgling happily – "You're such a ball and chain!" – He said and in that moment the baby grabbed hard onto one of his father's fingers, trying to put it into his mouth to suck it – "Hey! If you're hungry you have to wait for your mother: I'm not your food!"

House's gaze softened for a moment, then again his usual mocking smirk returned: he put the clean napkin around the groin of the baby and after closing it he chose, selecting it from the drawer, a white bodysuit with on the front the picture of a lion – "At least this is cool! The bodysuit with the bloomers your mother made you wear sucks! She hasn't taste for men things" – He wondered if making him wear a cotton sleep suit, though he chose a red T-shirt – "I chose this one. This way you're cool!" – A smug smirk tucked at the corners of his mouth, even if the cloth was evidently too big for the child.

House put the baby on his left shoulder and went to his own bedroom – "You're ready to score, instead I have to preen yet! Let's go to choose what to wear for an exciting night based on pizza with pepperoni and sausage in front of the TV"

He entered the room almost dancing and placed the baby in the centre of the yet unmade bed. He groaned in direction of his closet and began the search: he drew out a bra and took a hard look at it – "Seriously does your mother fit it all?" – The baby groaned in a seemingly satisfying way.

"If you don't know that, since you have a corner on it, surely nobody else knows it!" - He said, putting the bra in the underwear drawer and this time drawing from it a pair of white jersey boxer – "Those underline the beauty of my butt. Not like your napkin" – After wearing them, he stared at his own reflection in the big mirror of the interior side of the closet door – "Just great!" – He stated, looking at his butt.

House grimaced slightly when his eyes fell on the scared thigh – "It's a shame that when they did this to me your mother wasn't even graduated. Maybe if she was I'd have my quadriceps yet" - He swiftly pulled on the first pants he found then a t-shirt like the baby's one – "Now we're ready to score" – He said staring at the baby, who was quietly going to fall asleep - "Well, it's sure your range of being awake is very thin"

He picked up the baby from the bed and they went to the living room towards the coach: House lied on his back and placed the baby prone on his chest – "Don't drool on my favourite t-shirt" – He realized too late he would had to take the bib before going to the living room, but his laziness was too big to stand up to go in search of that useless piece of embroiled fabric.

House started channel surfing, it seemed though there wasn't anything interesting on Pay Tv, which was clearly something unusual – "They want to be paid and then there aren't decent cartoons to watch"

**

Eventually they both fell asleep and they didn't hear a pair of keys being used to open the front door.

A long auburn haired woman entered the house with her hands full of tote bags – "A hand would be very appreciated" – She started saying but the sentence died on her lips when she saw her men sleeping peacefully – "Rough day, eh?" – She said while a smile tugged at the corners of her mouth.

The woman, resigned, returned to her car to take the remaining part of the tote bags and brought them in the kitchen. After she gave another look at her boys and eventually the relaxed expression of the both of them made her forget about the effort to do the monthly grocery shopping alone: it seemed it was worth it.

When she was done putting the supplies in the cupboard, she decided it was her turn to rest a bit, apparently though one of the two men disagreed with her.

The baby started crying and putting his little fisted hands in his mouth. Allison sighed: her wish to relax had to wait a while…Again.

She softly took the baby off his father's arms and smiled down at her son – "Jeez, your father competes with you about sleeping" – She said while brushing her fingers through the hair of Greg's sleeping form.

"Come on, JJ, let's sit on your grandmother's rocking chair" she said, going to the baby's room and plopping down on said rocking chair.

She freed one of her breasts from the clothes and let the baby sucking it hungrily – "Hey, slow down! I'm not going anywhere" – She said, lecturing in a good sense the baby.

"I'm not so sure about that, you know?" House said, entering the room.

She smirked - "Hey! You're awake"

House stretched his body and some of his vertebras cracked – "The sucker here dirtied my clothes" – He said, pointing at the clothes piled in a corner of the room.

"And I guess it was too complex for you picking them up and putting them in the laundry hamper"

He showed her his hands – "I have only two of those and they were both full" – He told her, smiling like someone who knew a thing or two.

She smiled sneaky – " Right now I see a free one of them though!"

He grumbled something: he had just stitched himself up. Reluctantly he took his clothes off the floor – "I have to change my mind. The sucker took the bastardly gene from you" – He said, going to the bathroom to get rid of the clothes.

Allison giggled slightly – "And here I thought it was your prerogative, maybe though it's only a matter of contagion"

House peeked his head in the room – "Ha Ha! Nice joke!"

She didn't rise to the bait – "I guess you organized all the stuff for dinner tonight" – She said, daring him.

He narrowed his eyes – "I was busy with the sucker"

She sent him a withering look – "You had just to pick up the phone and tell your friend Alfred to bring 2 extra large pizzas at 7 o' clock: in less than an hour James and Lisa will be there and we didn't set the table yet. We won't make a good impression if we don't have everything ready, beside if I remember correctly you were the one who asked them over to see the America's Cap"

House grimaced annoyed – "I don't want to, tell them to stay at home"

"Greg!"

"Allison!"

They dared each other with their glances and, who knows why, House was the one who glanced down first.

He dragged his feet on the floor – "We do a change: I stay with the sucker while you deal with the dinner. What do you think?" – He suggested hopefully.

Cameron sighed deeply – "I'd like a lot if you had my boobs full of milk till I'm in pain, jaded hair, sore feet and a system distraught by the hormonal twisting, but, since right now it's not possible, order these pizzas and set the table!" – She told him with the authoritativeness of a sergeant of the Marines.

JJ stopped sucking worried and started crying.

"What a mother! You make cry your own son!" House dared, trying to regain some control. Allison glared at him with a blazing look, making him almost run yelping.

"Your father is such an ass, JJ!"

The baby seemed reassured by that statement and started again sucking peacefully.

**

After about 20 minutes, Allison entered the kitchen and examined with critical eye House's way of setting the table: 4 plates were stacked in a pile in a corner while cutlery and glasses were in a jumble on the table: the tablecloth was absent.

Cameron sighed slightly: demand to House to set the table like any other human being was too much even for her. She settled on her shoulder JJ, who seemed to be quite satisfied to have his little stomach full and a curl of his mommy's hair between his possessive fingers.

Suddenly a pair of strong arms grabbed her, threatening to make her lost her balance.

"I missed you today" House said, trying to reach her neck with his lips.

Allison smiled and leaned on his chest – "I've been away only for less than 3 hours, besides you had company"

House started to nibble her earlobe, jolts of pleasure going down her spine – "I wanted you right here though" – He said with a faked whiny voice.

Allison smiled and settled further in Greg's embrace – "We needed to do grocery shopping so badly. We didn't have anything eatable in the kitchen and someone I know would had die without his chips"

"Did you use up the limit of the credit card?" He asked her huskily, while introducing a nimble hand under her blouse.

"Not yet actually" she answered him with her voice broken by a pleasure, which seemed it was invading her.

"You have to apply yourself more" House said, resuming his kiss her on her neck.

A burp stopped the magic moment, making Allison laugh like mad and Greg groan unsatisfied.

"You're such a little bastard! You barge in always in the crucial moment" House said disgusted.

Cameron tried to regain her composure, but it seemed too hard to make it.

House annoyed walked away towards his bedroom: the fact that JJ was used to interrupt them was becoming an habit.

**

Some minutes later Allison joined Greg without having JJ in her arms this time – "Come on, aren't you jealous of your own son, are you?"

"Hey! That little bastard is yours! It's the mother who's sure, not the father!"

She scoffed: it wasn't the first time he said something like that – "If I remember correctly, 11 months ago you were here too in this same bed" – She replied with her hands on her hips in her most typical position.

"He's worse than an antitheft, dammit! When I touch you, he does something so you run to him and you leave me here thrown over" he said with his best beaten puppy expression.

Allison stroked his face and brushed her lips against his – "It's hard to decide" – She whispered, straddling him – "Maybe…Though…..When Lisa and James are gone… We could do some interesting game"

House railed against the telephone – "I'll call the night off" – He said, knocking her over the bed.

Cameron laughed and took the telephone from his hands – "They'll be there at any moment, we can't simply chase them away."

"Sure we can. This is our home!" He said, starting exploring her body from under the clothes with a hand.

She tried to fight him, but it was useless – "They are our friends though" – She told him, trying faintly to complain.

House was unperturbed by her feeble complaints and started unbuttoning her blouse.

When he arrived at the third button, the sound of a doorbell broke the atmosphere: he tried to ignore the annoying sound Allison though disagreed with him.

"If you don't answer, they'll go away" he replied, trying to press her further on the bed.

She allowed herself to agree with him for a second, that sound though repeated itself for a longer time the next time – "We need to go" – She told him, trying to avoid his lips, which were searching hers.

House blocked her again against the bed - "Ignore them"

This time the doorbell was followed by a frantic knocking – "House, open the door! I know you're at home!"

"Damn Wilson! I have to find another best friend" House grunted.

Cameron laughed: it was something impossible what House had just proposed, she knew it would never happen.

The sound of the doorbell seemed endless: probably Wilson was pressing the bell with his digit.

Finally Cameron freed from House's hold: JJ had started crying desperately – "Go open the door, before I decide to cut Wilson's hand" - She told him, while buttoning again her blouse.

House got up from the bed very annoyed and mentally took note to change his friend within the following day – "Take your hand off the door bell, Wilson, or I'll put it in the meat grinder." - House yelled, jogging on the front door.

That annoying sound finished, while the sobs of the baby continued.

House grabbed the unattended bottle of Vicodin he had left on the baby grand and swallowed a pill just to quell the dissatisfaction he was feeling. He opened wide the front door and saw Wilson and Cuddy with little Charlotte in the arms of her mother: the 3 of them all lined up like little soldiers were waiting for him to give them the permission to enter his domain.

"Cameron said she is going to cut your hand" House told his friend, while hobbling towards the kitchen.

Wilson entered the house – "And why should she do so?"

"Listen!" House grunted.

The sob of the baby was perfectly audible other than being seemingly inconsolable.

Wilson blushed – "Sorry, I didn't know JJ hates the doorbell like his father. Charlotte ignores it always" - He said, taking his daughter from his wife's arms.

Cuddy looked around – "I guess Allison is in the nursery: I'm going to say hi" – And so said Lisa disappeared in the sleeping area of the house.

"That woman takes the liberty to do too much" House said filling 2 glasses with liquor: one for himself and the other for his friend.

James settled his daughter in his arms and took the glass with the liquor inside: Charlotte reached out towards the glass – "Slow down, little monkey, it's too soon for you to drink this" – Wilson told his baby girl, trying to move away the glass from the curious hands of the baby.

House noticed the scene – "How old is she now?" – He asked with faked disgust.

Wilson tightened a bit the hold on his daughter – "11 month in a couple of days"

House grimaced – "Then it's your fault if Cameron wanted a sucker too" – He groaned.

Wilson rolled his eyes: he couldn't handle anymore any bit of that story: every time House was in a room with Charlotte the main theme was always the same, even if the baby and House had a chemistry surely not taken for granted.

"Do you want to take her?" Wilson asked his best friend: he already knew House wanted to do that.

"I have one of them already and it's all mine!" House groaned, though he reached out to take the baby.

"According to me JJ stopped crying" Wilson replied, realizing the apartment was quite again.

"Not thanks to you and open the door, the pizza driver is arriving" House replied, sitting on the couch with Charlotte in his arms.

"No one rang yet" Wilson answered, perplexed.

"And we don't' want someone to ring, do we?" House replied, nodding towards the nursery with a withering look.

A glimpse of comprehension appeared on Wilson's face – "Ah, yes! JJ!" – He opened the door and waited for the pizza driver to arrive – "I don't understand yet if you called him James Jarod or Jarod James"

"James Jarod" Cameron replied, entering the living room with little JJ, who was leaning on her shoulder, and with Lisa in tow.

"Jarod James! It's written like this in the hospital book!" House hissed. JJ's name had been always a touchy subject among them, so touchy that it had been a forced choice the one to call the baby JJ, to try to live together peacefully.

"In the registry office its written James Jarod and it's this the version that counts"

House and Cameron dared each other with their glances.

Charlotte and JJ both started fussing: they had felt the tension among the 2 adults.

"Did you order 2 extra large pizzas?" the pizza driver asked, arriving at the right moment, to interrupt the battle about names which had been for a very long time already the main theme of all House and Cameron's discussions.

Cuddy took a step forward – "Yes, they're ours" – She replied, glancing at the quelling couple with a withering look.

**

House slumped on the couch – "Finally they're gone, I couldn't take any more of them!"

Cameron turned off the light in the nursery, leaving only a dim light behind herself – "JJ fell asleep" – She said, snuggling up to him – "Tired?"

House was full of energy in an instant – "Fresh as a daisy actually" – He replied, jumping on his feet and putting her on her feet as well.

Allison giggled slightly and allowed him to kiss her neck: nobody could ever kiss her like he did – "Bed?" – She asked him.

Without telling him twice House pushed Allison towards their bedroom and started undressing her with his hands.

When they fell on the bed wearing only the underwear, in the exact moment Greg took off the bra from Allison's body, a desperate sob stopped their keen moans.

"He's such a little bastard!" – House groaned – "He does it on purpose!"

Cameron giggled, all the while trying to grab the gown which was at the end of the bed – "Try to stay awake for another 5 minutes and we'll continue this from where we left" – She told him winking mischievously.

House bended his arms under his head and stared at the way his woman moved her hips provokingly.

**

Cameron came back after almost 10 minutes and found House sprawled across the bed sleeping soundly.

"If I have the antitheft you sure have an immediate sleep" - She told herself, chewing her bottom lip - "You're really cute though" – She said, bending over him to brush his lips in a sweet kiss – "Now, shift and make room for me too"

Fin


End file.
